Sunday, September 14, 2008

I Have Been Remiss...

So I start a blog all excited cause I'm blogging and what do I do? Forget about it. Forgive me, reader (as in one reader, my dog, Chico Seymour Hoffman - his blog is longer than mine). I've had a lot of amazing things happen to me in the past year...some good, some very much not good. I'll try to slip them in as we go.

For starters, 18 months later I'm recovering from yet another back surgery - one which was far more serious and may leave me with some long lasting complications. This time it was the opposite side of L4-L5. Herniated and a large fragment broke off - MUCH LARGER than last time. So much so that neuro says it was the largest piece he's ever had to remove. The size of his thumb. This one managed, somehow, to wedge between two major nerves, including branches of the sciatic. I cannot even begin to describe the level of pain I was in. I screamed, literally laid on the floor and screamed for hours. I couldn't hide it from my beloved (normally I try hard to spare others, especially him). Went straight to the ER as soon as beloved came home. They knew, I knew. I cried, because I knew this was big stuff. TWO demerol shots. NO relief. Bad bad bad. MRI the next morning. Neuro called that afternoon, said no fusion (thank God) but discectomy, and quickly before the fragment severed something that could not be repaired ("Be careful. Don't move." - nooooo problem). Surgery 36 hours later (the longest 36 hours of my life, I mean I was making deals with the Almighty on an hourly basis). I literally couldn't see at one point, it was so painful...and I did pass out once. So I'm above average with my back problem...nice. *sigh* This is the ONE AREA of my life where I want to be average. Apparently I'm not. The consent form for the study and videotaping and lectures should've clued me in. Lovely. My spine will be plastered in medical schools all over the country - can't they at least photoshop my smiling/grimacing face on the top? I'd be asked for autographs by up and coming neurosurgeons who'd look at me with wild wonder - how is she walking? How does she do anything? Surgery blows, especially when you're in your late 30s and you've been married 13 years SO happily AND have been planning to have a baby before the eggs pack up and move on to egg heaven.

Tick. Tock. Yes I hear it and it is getting louder. Much louder. Each day I'm down is one more day I might not be able to have a child. So far, two doctors (including my neurosurgeon, who is pretty much my primary care doctor now), have told me I'd be taking a major risk by carrying a child...not to the child, but to me. The only remaining "good" disc in my lumbar region (the largest one) could collapse, resulting in some ugly nasty horrible things happening, including fusion surgery. So I've been reading, and thinking. I've ready many stories from women who've done it - they've been on bed rest for months leading up to the birth, and some needed surgery shortly after their children were born, but they did it. And they're raising wonderful children. My mother was fused at several levels and managed to keep up with me my whole life (she was truly a superwoman though). I'll keep you posted. For now, the idea IS still on the table.

Okay enough. Must rest. But has anyone out there found themselves facing multiple back surgeries (first two were discectomy/laminectomies, but the next one coming will be full fusion of at least one, possibly two levels) and managed to have a child anyway, despite the odds? I need to hear from you. I need to hear good and bad. Bad doesn't scare me - the more I know and understand, the better prepared I will be to make the choice. I am stubborn, and so far (despite the surgeries), I have beaten the odds. I don't believe the docs when they tell me I could very well be in a wheelchair from the pain and weakness in 10 years (though I hope this explains why I live the way I do - never know when it will all end). WATCH ME WORK IT! I am extremely determined. Mind over matter and all that...

In the meantime, I am loving my new job - and so thrilled to be rid of the Evil Empire of Radio. I tried. Gave it my best shot and then some for a very long time. Cared all the time, day or night. Not enough to the bottom line. I genuinely loved my co-workers, they are amazing people who share my passion for radio. I miss them. I don't miss radio right now. But radio has been calling (unexpected and interesting). And while I have no intention of jumping back in, it certainly gives me hope that those of us who remember the way radio should be will get a chance again. So far none of the offers move me to take action, but maybe someday one of the mavericks will pluck me out of the pile of radio bodies and plop me down in front of my mic with my notes and voila! Radio Girl is back in business, baby! I would only do that, though, if I felt I'd really be making a difference. Right now, that's just not really possible. Not a priority. To those who continue to fight the good fight: good luck, and I am cheering you on from the sidelines. I always will.

Oh the new job - smiles all around. Peace. Change. NEVER boring. More about that later. I LOVE IT. I love the people I work with that I've never met. They are interesting and super intelligent and creative and quirky and generally fun (I know I'm doing this remotely but I am certain I am correct in this assessment). I love feeling like I'm contributing to something meaningful. That's really all I ever wanted. I love watching a company take shape and change and morph and move in the right direction. I get an adrenaline rush often from the work itself. Sure sign I've found a great fit. Happy happy happy dance!

More more more to come ladies and gents. Must go pop all sorts of drugs and shuffle off to bed.

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